I Am Not An Invalid or On The Pity Pot, I Am Scared!

When does one cross over that fine line between being sick and recovering from not one but two major back surgeries, from being just someone trying to recover to someone who is now considered an invalid? I NOT now, nor will I EVER BE, an invalid and by calling me that, you just give me more resolve to fight a battle I have never fought before!

When I went into surgery, I was happy, I knew finally, after years of suffering with back aches, leg aches, pains that woke me up at night or wouldn't let me sleep and many times left me dragging my leg behind me, would soon be over! I knew I would have some pain for awhile, but this is freakin ridiculous!

I am used to living with pain, I have lived with it, worked with it, smiled through it and did everything under the sun I was told to do to make it better: loose weight, walk more, ride a bike, swim, pain clinics, physical therapy, accupuncture, etc. Through it all, I swallowed Aleve like Jelly Beans and smiled all the way.

If I complain about the pain, no one wants to hear it, but I need to let everyone know this pain is different, this pain is scaring the hell out of me and while I am told it is only temporary, I wonder if it really is.

Today, I drove to Olympia to see my Rheumatologist and even though I stop several times and get out and walk, by the time I arrived, I could barely pull myself out of the car and forget sitting in the office, I stood.

I saw the doctor, he asked me about pain and what I felt in certain areas...some hurt more than others and while I now have knee pain, he said my knees are not swollen. My hands and feet were, but my knees aren't and they are one of the areas that really hurt.

So, we discussed my surgeries (he was shocked to find out I had to have 2) and decided that anti-inflamatories and corticosteroids were not an option at all because they would actually be a deterrant to my fusion taking hold like it should.

Pain meds, do I take them? Yes, I take pain meds and NO, sorry, even taking 2 at a time doesn't help and one gave me twitches. Sooooooooooooo, we once again changed my pain medication and placed me on a nerve medication that is supposed to work on the nerves that cause pain in my back.

Hmmm, so I switch meds (I have learned to keep the old ones, because twice so far, I have had to revert to old medication to give some relief!) to see if we can get my pain under control and when we do, I am expected to drive and work for 4 hours? I think I will wait to see how the new meds work out first.

I am not on the pity pot, I am not felling sorry for myself, I just want to be able to sleep at night without pain, roll over without pain, walk without pain.

I am scared. No, I am terrified, terrified of losing my mobility, my freedom, of not being able to drive, or having to rely on others to perform work I am supposed to do and worst of all, I am terrified, we won't be able to pay our bills, have heat this winter and so many other things.

I am scared, but don't expect to hear it in my voice or see it on my face!