Friday, November 26, 2010


I am not so much on the pity pot today as it was thought I was yesterday & I really wasn't yesterday and I just flat out believe there is a difference between self-pity and depression and I am on the depressed side of life right now.

I was able to sit in a chair and make part of the dinner we had yesterday and I am thankful for that and I sat down and unloaded the dishwasher while the kiddos and hubs put stuff away.

Three times, I was asked the unanswerable question yesterday...'why is all this happening to me? I reach out and help others, I give to charity, I take care of 3 wonderful children who are growing up to be amazing, we attend church, I study and read my bible, I pray, I am a good person. So, why does bad Karma keep coming to me?

I have no answer. I don't blame God for this or anyone else. Look at Job (and I am not comparing myself or my situation to Job) he was hit with things from the devil over and over again and never left or lost faith.

I can't say why this is happening, but I can tell those who asked me that they are blaspheming God by saying...I don't pray, I don't go out of my way and look at me, I don't get hurt as much as you do.

I am in extreme pain today, I have not taken a pain pill for 2 days, but I will relax today and work with the kids on making some things for their teachers for Christmas.

I realize, we need a home without stairs, wider hall, a fireplace that sits up higher, dishwasher and stove that sits up higher, railings in our stair well, railings outside by the stairs, rails in the bathrooms.

I hate to admit this, but with my luck, we need a home that is handicapped accessible and that isn't going to happen.

Monday, I will attempt to go to work, I will contact our local transportation office to see about door to door pickup, I will contact our local home health office to see if they can help me with things I can't do.

I won't get angry at God, I won't turn my back on Him, I just wish at times in all his infinite wisdom, He would allow someone else to take some of the falls I take. But, it isn't His fault I fell, it isn't my bosses fault I fell. I fell, plain and simple, I fell and I know....

This to, shall pass!


Anonymous said...

The real problem with depression is that it makes things so much harder to deal with in day-to-day life. Events that might just make you bobble and then carry on when you are 'normal' just knock the wind out of your sails if you are depressed - there's no resiliency to draw upon. (ask me how I know).

My heart goes out to you - I"m pretty sure one thing you can pursue when you contact social services is financial assistance to outfit your house with handicapped accessible needs - there are many non-profits and government agencies whose job is to help you. Find them! Our taxes pay for the stuff, you might as well get some good of it!

Remember that how you deal with adversity will affect your children and their ability to deal with life, too. Not just now but when they encounter difficulties in their lives - they will look back at how you cope with this nasty crap and remember.

:) Linda

autumnesf said...

Sounding much better today friend! So glad!

No wisdom to impart. We are living our own version of "what in the world??" right now. But ours doesnt include bodily pain, thank goodness!

Rannyjean said...

Thank you very much Linda, I was planning Monday on calling around for some assistance as I know they have agencies that will help me with transportation, house keeping and the like. I try to remain positive doesn't always happen. Today, we all just crawled into my bed and watched Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.

Melissa said...

I hope that you get to feeling better soon.

Paula said...

Feel better soon. Depression can cerainly take a toll on a physical body too.
Take it easy and let the people who love you, help you! They want to do that :)
Please do check around for assistance. I know there are programs that will help fix your home so you can get around better.

Sherry said...

I hope your leg feels better soon and that you can get the help you need wit transportation and stuff. I try to rememer that around every cloud there is a silver lining. Altough the silver lining is hard to see sometimes through all the clouds that some of us seem to have...I know there is a silver lining for you Jean!


Rannyjean said...

Sherry, I love you so much! Maybe I can't see the silver lining, but I do my best to find that teeny tiny pinhole of light at the end of the long dark tunnel! Thank you!