Monday, December 29, 2008

What Does God Want From Me?

This question has been in the back of my mind for the last week or so. What does God want from me? Or maybe what do I expect from God? I don't know, but I know He is working on something with me, because too many things are going on in my heart, my head, my home and in general.

Here is a question for anyone who might have an answer: Today, are we supposed to be a Titus 2 Woman? A Proverbs Woman? An Esther? Do we combine all of these or pick and choose or is there really an answer?

What keeps going through my head over and over the last few days is what does God want from me in relationship to my husband, my home and my family? Let me explain a few things and then someone can try to clarify them back to me or give me wisdom. By the way, I am still looking for a woman mentor in my life to help me understand Gods purposes for me.

1- My families move to Washington was not an accident in any way, shape or form because God told me what my home would sell for and it sold for exactly that amount and it was the last home the realtor sold before the market in Phoenix tanked. My house sold for $165K and now is probably worth less than $100K. God Knew What He Was Doing!

2- My husband found a great job and was accepted and moved here before we did. I broke my leg and was down and in treatment for over 6 months, had I moved here when he did, we would have been without insurance...God Knew What He Was Doing!

3- Though I am only working part-time as a substitute teacher, several places I have applied to for jobs have folded under. God Knows What He Is Doing!

Here are the questions. We have a home that only has wood heat & every night it takes hubby hours to chop wood, cut kindling and that is after working a 10 hour day in the cold rain and wind. We cannot afford central heat or insulation for our home. Hubby is becoming increasingly more agitated each evening from exhaustion. What purpose does God have in this? It takes all I have each day to keep the fires going.

On a side note, I am praying for a miracle. For a home to become available that is a single story home, has a fireplace off the floor a bit (my legs and back are getting more painful with each opening of the fire door), central air, at least 4 bedrooms and a large yard for the kids and a soaking bathtub for my aches and pains.

That should be easy you say and it is, the real kicker and the miracle is I am asking the Lord to find favor with my family and have it be an owner financing with minimal down and that our house be sold quickly and sold for an amount we can afford to move on. All of our life savings are in this house, we just can't walk away! I know God can do this if it it is in His will!

Pray for Jerry (my husband) I hate to see him so unhappy, but if the Lord wants us someplace else and only put us here to **shut me up, than a wonderful new opportunity will open up to us and God will find favor with Jerry and show us clearly what He wants.
**For those who don't know me, I was born in New York, my great grandmother is in Delaware history books for fighting for women voting, my maternal grandmother was the first in her family to attend business school. I come from a long background of stubborn and strong women & we usually get what we want!**

Anyway,back to my original question, what are we as women supposed to be in 2009?

Proverbs 31 shows we should be ready for anything at any given moment. We are to be economical (living in Washington, I find that easy with all the wonderful fresh fish, produce and meat markets around not to mention the Farmers Market in Olympia and Pikes in Seattle). Christmas is over and paid for, so Iwas economical in that fact that with the exception of one item, Christmas is paid for. I use coupons and even drive to Olympia or Centralia to grocery shop because they have better bargains!

I am prepared. Yes, I can say I am prepared for most things and still working hard on being prepared even better for all things!

I am honorable, God Fearing, unselfish, trustworthy and here is where I fall down due to my medical issues: I am not physically fit or energetic. What does God want me to do here?

I can barely stand on my own 2 feet in the mornings because of such severe pain, my back is getting so bad rolling over in bed is excruciating and lets not even talk about weight!

So, these 2 things are pretty major in my minds view to be a help mate. If I don't feel well and usually I do not, I tend to be a bit cranky & a whole lot lazy! If they could just find out what is going on with my feet, the rest might fall into place, but if you can barely walk due to pain, exercise isn't going to happen! I don't want to be stuck in the rat trap of pain meds. I was on muscle relaxants for a bit until my equilibrium kept putting me on the floor.

Mentally, I am spot on, but physically, I am faltering! I have gained lots of weight which my physician and I will be addressing shortly but only so much can be done when you are addicted to chocolate and sweets and please I am serious! I need an eating coach & lots of prayer in this area!

Four years ago I was a healthy person of normal weight. Now, I am ill and so heavy that with my bra on, I can't put my arms together. My stomach which has (please excuse the graphics) given birth to 5 children, had 3 C-Sections and several other abdominal surgeries has stretched beyond its limits and now sits on my lap and try standing up with an extra 15 or so pounds in your lap or tying your shoes, it isn't easy. Even at my lowest weight 150 a few years back, I had this sagging extra skin & no amount of exercise or diet pills gets rid of it!

I feel physically defeated and depleted. While I believe God moved us here, I can't believe he wants me to be physically incapable of moving around and on some days it takes all my strength just to get out of bed. If it wasn't for our grandchildren, I wouldn't even bother. I do believe I have had healing in the area of my body recently, it just seems that my feet and back problems has replaced it!

I am going to revisit a book I skimmed through several years ago and hope to find some insight. That book is: Becoming A Woman who Pleases God by Pat Ennis & Lisa Tatlock. Perhaps this book will open my eyes to where I need to change in my life and in the meantime if anyone is out there and you would like to be my mentor, I would really love to have someone to help me through this book and my walk with God a bit better.

1 comment:

Dayna said...

I will pray with you and for you. I don't have the answers and wouldn't be a good mentor but will follow along your journey with you.