My Mom Has Breast Cancer

I never ever thought I would be writing a post on a family member having cancer, it just isn't sinking in with me because other people get cancer, not my mother! Please understand, it is almost 3 AM, I can't sleep (though I tried), but I keep having strange dreams. One I was having a baby and my mid-wife during a hurricane was Robert DeNiro. Don't ask, I have no clue on this one and NO, I didn't see any movies before bed.

For the first time in my life, I think I am speechless, I don't know what to say, what to think, what to do. I had just talked to my mom this past week-end, she was going in for hand surgery and a biopsy on her breast. I told her it would be alright, it was probably cysts and not to worry because no one in our family that I am aware of has ever had Cancer. Now I feel like a yutz!

My great grandmother passed away from tuberculosis, my great grandfather from old age, my grandparents both died of natural causes and they were very old. My great grandparents on my grandpa's side both died from natural causes and were very old. All of my grandmothers siblings passed on from TB and my grandfather had one brother that died of natural causes.

Why am I going on like this? Because I don't know what to do or say. My mom didn't call me first, she told my sister and since we don't talk, she called my brother who had to break the news. Now, my brother and I rarely talk but it is because he is always so danged busy with work and life and he goes to bed very early because he gets up early. I called him an asshole!
The only time he calls me and it is with bad news. Oops, there goes my mouth getting me into trouble! He knows I love him!

I told him he could have called me, chatted for a while hung up for a bit and then called back and pretended to get the news, that way he wouldn't have called just to bear bad news. Poor baby, he gets to do the dirty work! I couldn't talk for about 3 minutes, I just sat with the phone to my ear in shock!

What happens next? I don't know! Several things are whirling in my head right now. The first is, did God see this coming? I mean back about 4 months ago I wrote my mother and her husband and told them I felt it was time for them to move up here with us and for us to get a large home and all live together. My mom has OA & RA and her health isn't good and her husbands health isn't so hot either. They turned me down and said when the time comes they would rather spend it in a nursing home! Oy Vay!!

The fact that I have had this strong urge to go back to Arizona for some reason and then finding out minutes ago there is a Cancer Treatment Center of America right where we would move back to!

I love Washington, but my husband hates it and last night, the repo lady showed up and took his beloved Harley. Yes, we were behind on payments, however, he was led to believe that it was being worked out between the bank and an attorney and he would receive a new contract. The air in our home was stagnate! Then we got the CALL!!

From what I am gathering, we don't know what stage it is in and we don't know yet if it has spread!

What do I say to my mom when I call her today? How are you? Thats a stupid question in lieu of what she just found out.

I am a go getter, I am the one that moves in and takes over and yet, she lives so far away. I don't know if we should stay here or move closer to her, then again, we don't have any money to leave this area. We are broke & I need surgery myself. I can put my surgery off for awhile longer to help her.

Then again, I don't know if she will want my help, if they will want my help! I hate it when families are strung out from one state to the next, you just can't figure anything out.

Now that I think about it, when I last talked to mom she was making a list of who got what when she passed on. Do we know things like this ahead of time?

I just feel so lost!