Monday, August 31, 2009

Temporary Paralysis

During the day, I feel fine with the exception that my right knee is beginning to cause me pain and I hear popping from it. I have applied Icyhot and an ace bandage and gone back to using the walker around the house. It seems to help.

Sitting for any length of time, still has my circulation cutting itself off and I know when it is time to go back to bed because my feet turn ice cold and fall asleep. That in itself is more aggravating than cause for alarm at this time.

What does scare me is the increasing paralysis I feel when I lie down in bed. It begins with my legs and arms feeling like they have lead in them. Prior to surgery my arms were this way, so I am not sure if it is Fibromyalgia or nerve damage from surgery. All I can say, is it is pretty frightning when you wake up and can't move.

At first, I didn't panic, I just figured it was due to the second surgery, but now I am scared. You see, it has gotten so bad that hubby has not not only rub my back, he has to physically pull my legs and arms straight just so the pain goes away.

The pain (or whatever it is), starts at usually the base of my neck or spine and it is like a slow tingling that I can feel moving up or down my body and when this begins, I cannot move and it is terrifying. It is this horrible feeling all over my back and legs and then.....everything quits working!

In the beginning I was willing to accept some pain, willing to go through the muscle spasms and twitching, but now it is beginning to freak me out. Why? My dad has Primary Lateral Sclerosis, not as bad as ALS (Lou Gehrigs Disease), but since he was diagnosed, he has lost the ability to talk, he has a care taker with him during the day when my step-mother is working, his muscles are deteriorating and has lost a lot of weight.

Surely, you are saying to yourself that I am not saying I have PLS. No, I am not, but the thought terrifies me. I can't imagine being locked into my body mentally knowing how to speak and then loosing all my ability to take care of myself.

Having a spinal surgery was enough to tell me how much I would dread that, not to mention it would put such a burden on my husband and grandchildren whom I love so very much. When you are ill, I have learned as of late, that you can count on friends, church members and family for just so long and then.....they are gone!

My doctor tells me I can drive and I can work 4 hours a day, but how can that be when I can't sit or stand for any length of time? What happens when I twist the wrong way and the pain is so bad, I am in tears? How long will I keep a job then?

Tomorrow, I drive to see the doctor and the hope is she can tell me what is going on. If not, I have another appointment to see my Rheumatologist later in September. But tomorrow scares me. I will be driving the hour there and back and just driving a few blocks hurts so bad and puts me down for days. What will the ride there and back do to me? I plan on taking breaks so the pain hopefully will not be to bad!

So, I continue to pray, read my Bible and know that God has this under control and just because I can't see it, doesn't mean He isn't working on me.

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