Saturday, January 22, 2011

Time Softens All Grief

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments on my grief posting, it is nice to see there are so many that believe as I do, that grief is personal, everyone deals with grief in their own way on their own time and no one can wave some magic date line and have everything disappear and life move forward. IT DOESN"T HAPPEN THAT WAY PEOPLE!!

I love the comment that perhaps our society is so used to 30 minute sitcoms and 60 minute crime solving shows that we believe grief should be instant as well...bury someone today, be on a cruise kicking up your heels tomorrow.

When has society become so cold, uncaring and downright stupid? Yes, seeing someone one minute smiling and the next minute in tears at the mention of a loved ones name, or a special time in their life or a fleeting memory can and does make some uncomfortable, but GET OVER IT!! Want to feel less uncomfortable? Don't say a word to that person, just walk up to them, hug them and let them cry for awhile! You will be surprised how amazing it will make you feel and how much the other person will appreciate your kindness.

Don't expect friends and family to hold you up or be there for you. Most people I know (myself included) got more comfort from strangers and those I barely knew. The nurses at Valley Children's Hospital in Fresno, California...Pat, Patty, Michelle, Dr. Kopcz, Dr. Ranjan, lab techs, unit clerks, respiratory therapists, these were the people I got comfort from.

Those close to me wanted me to get over it, move on with my life. There is something not normal about loosing a child especially when one is only 18 months old. Then again, there is something painful and not normal about sharing your life with someone for over 10, 15, 20 years or more and going to bed happy one minute and waking up and half of who you are is suddenly gone forever.

No, I am not naive, I know someday we all die, we can't live forever, but when that happens, it is sudden, it is terrifying (you are alone), the person you leaned on for so many years to share your life with, to talk to and laugh with is not there anymore and you are alone.

Where are those that are supposed to take care of the widows and the orphans? Where are those that said they would be there for you no matter what? Where are those when you call to talk to them all of a sudden are to busy to spend 5 minutes on the phone with you?

My mom has been gone almost a year now and I call her husband at least every other week, I invite him to our place to visit, I send him cards, the grandchildren call him and so many days, I wish we lived closer so I could comfort him more.

All of us know someone like this and yet, we make excuses and say our life is to busy to reach out. Perhaps we keep busy so we don't have to reach out.

Today, tomorrow, next week, do the unexpected...break down the walls around your box and step outside that box and go talk to someone you know who is grieving, who is alone, who has no one else to talk to. Perhaps it is the widow at church you say hello to and walk past each Sunday, a neighbor, a co-worker, a customer.

Start with a smile a hello and how are you...really doing? Kindness starts in such small ways, be that small way today!


autumnesf said...

Well said. I learned alot about grief in a womens Bible study once. The girl that sat next to me could not get over her grandmothers death and she cried and related everything bad in her life to that. It was very eye opening on how some people can grieve so very very hard. And it was wonderful watching her over that year as she worked through that grief. Many people were telling her to get over it. I held her hand. We are all different. But above all, Jesus said LOVE. And I did. And I learned a new empathy (I had very little loss in my life at that time so I couldn't really relate) and I learned grace in lending an ear and holding a hand and not trying to "fix" it.

Quiltingranny said...

Well said Autumn! That is what people want us to do, they want us just to be there, hold their hand and love on them as Jesus would want us to.
A friend of mine told me, the people she knew no matter what that she could count on, are the very people that have turned a cold shoulder her way.
Love is the key!

Randi said...

I am a new follower and did not read the previous post you were mentioning, but I will have to go search for it! I recently discovered my uncle, whom I was very close to, passed and my family was not informed, I found out by finding an obituary on Google a few months later. I have been having a hard time dealing with this, despite reminding myself that he's in a better place now and he lived a long and fulfilled life. This post was comforting, and helped me to know that it is okay to grieve at my own pace. Thank you for that.