Never say Never! Oh how many times I have heard this and yet, I still tend to ignore it! I am in the middle of a wonderful ladies bible study by Lysa Terkeurst entitled, 'Made to Crave.' During the study, so many of the women spoke about waking up in the middle of the night and just crying their eyes out to the Lord to take away their burdens.
I had no clue what they were talking about. I do not wake up at night and cry. I have woken up and prayed for others, I have stayed awake praying...but last night, I woke up and was so burdened by my selfishness that I couldn't deal with it. The tears were pouring from my eyes and I couldn't stop.
I am just beyond myself on what to do. Many people see me as a very strong willed, independent woman who can and has for the most part gotten through many difficult situations, because honestly, we simply to not have a choice, we must get through what we have been given.
But for some reason last night, I was just overcome with the giant mess I have caused my family because of my selfishness.
Many years ago, I got my noggin set on moving to Washington state. I had vacationed here as a child, moved up here after my divorce, met my best friend John, met and married my husband, had a child here and then we were transferred and our plans had always been to come right back. It didn't work that way and we lived in the desert for 22 years.
It was difficult for me at first to adjust, but I finally settled in working a variety of jobs from hospitals to nuclear power and finally settling comfortably into emergency telecommunications and I did that for over 12 years while raising a family, going to college for my Masters degree and I kept telling myself each time I applied for a new position, 'this time I will be chosen.'
One job I was turned down for because I was the only one who applied. Another was given to someone else prior to interviews and still another my co-workers and officers I worked with couldn't believe I didn't get the position.
Each turn down, I tried to learn as much as I can, but each turn down I was given very little information to go on. So, I began researching the area we are living in now and for many years, I followed the paper, the prices, etc. I felt God was telling us to move to this area. When I was worried about selling our home, God gave me the price it would sell for and it did.
Yesterday, I received notification that a job I had been told I had on Monday was no longer available. Due to educational budget cuts, the position could no longer be factored into the school budget. They were sorry. I was okay because hubby told me, 'Just remember when God closes a door, He opens lots of windows.' I do have another job out there I really want. It would place me back into emergency telecommunications, it would break the doors open to another move, but that is alright! I have missed working in the emergency telecommunications environment, the stress, the excitement, the being able to help others.
No matter what happens, it is all in Gods hands!
What hit me last night as my hubby laid next to me struggling to breathe because he once again is sick with a chest cold was the fact, I did this to him! I caused us to be in this mess! I was so sure that I heard God tell me to move my family to this area that I wouldn't allow anyone to talk any sense into me. I just collapsed into God's arms last night and cried and cried.
Lord, I messed up! I drug my family up here because of my dreams and my selfishness and I am at a loss as to what to do. Where is it You want me to be? What is it you are trying to show me? I am just a huge mess and no matter how much I try to get us out of this mess by paying entire paychecks to creditors, I don't see light at the end of the tunnel!
Lord, my husband was right the other day when he told me, 'you did this to us! Before, we could pay our bills, we had a yard for the kids to run in, we had a nice home and good jobs (he still does have a good job, thank you Jesus), but he is right!
The burden was too much for me to handle! I just broke last night and gave it to God! I can't fix this Lord and I know that. I also know that you do things to strengthen me and to teach me a lesson. I am learning so much and have, but if you want to move me back to the desert, if that is the point of all this, I am ready Lord! If the point of our move was to show me how selfish I was, my eyes have been opened.
If the point has been to show me how much money older homes cost, I got it, message received. If it is to show me that at the age of 55 I am washed up, I do not accept that fact and know that lie comes from the devil himself!
I just cried and cried. Not for me, but for my husband! Relieve his burdens Lord!
I then drifted to sleep and slept well and woke up refreshed. Thank you Lord for being my Living Water!