For years, many long years, since childhood, I have been carrying and lugging around crates and crates of garbage and it kept getting heavier and heavier until I started dumping it into the truck (my body).
This week-end participating in the most painful excision of garbage and freedom from release in my life, called an encounter retreat at my church, I exposed it all. The deepest ugliest, blackest garbage I had been carrying and I didn't cry, I sobbed so hard, snot was running down my face, but once I started this painful and releasing process I wasn't going to stop.
It hurt...I had to recall and remember parts of my life, I never wanted to talk about or think about, I had to uncover layer and layer of trash and hurt and pain until my soul was raw and exposed and once it started, it was like the flood through the dike.
I wrote, I cried, I folded all that pain and junk up in an envelope and I nailed it to the cross where the battle was fought years ago for me and won! When the devil reminds us of our past, I learned I need to remind him of his future!
Then, I yanked that letter off the cross and with other members of my church, we tossed them in the fire and burned them. Freedom! When I came home last night, I felt 100 pounds lighter.
Today at 0800, I finished the job. The hardest part wasn't the writing down of my ugly past, it was sitting down and telling someone else what I had done, what had happened to me, so I could be prayed over and I cried with tears soaking my face, snot soaking tissue after tissue, I sobbed so hard, my body was wracked with sobs and movement.
I wasn't stopping, I had to let it go, had to get rid of it. The pain, the hurt, the uglies and the control and give it to Him who has control...not me, but Jesus Christ. As I was sitting there praying, God told me to get rid of my trailer park mentality! I always lived in manufactured homes, we weren't poor, they were nice, but I have always kept myself from prospering He told me because I have a trailer park mentality...we all know the jokes, the perceptions people have and I have taken that on.
Believing that I will always struggle to make ends meet, always be on the bottom and I realized my attitude and my own words were holding me down. I cried happy tears, angry tears, sad tears and I let it go at the cross.
Today, I feel I am supposed to be where I am in my journey of life, but I am also believing God performed a miracle today, he emptied my garbage truck and gave me a brand new shiny Ford SUV, because God doesn't keep clunkers in His garage!