Wednesday, February 29, 2012

This Is The Face of Depression.....

Look around you, can you pick them out? People like me or even maybe like you who are going through something larger than they are? Something insidious, difficult to manage and even more difficult to understand? Sure, they (We) are smiling on the outside, but inside we are confused, scared, exhausted!

Last week a Washington state trooper was shot and killed in the area I would have been working had I not lost my job in November. I was in a tire shop getting new shocks when I heard the news and began crying. The poor guy at the counter just looked at me and continued asking me questions. Probably thinking I was a tad bit like those old know...Cuckoo??

Then my husband came into the store and I tried to tell him what happened but I was crying so hard. All I wanted to do was run as fast as I can out of that store. Now, I didn't know the state trooper (probably saw him in the halls where I used to work as they took training there), I wasn't working....but the sadness and anger and overwhelming sense of loss controlled me for most of the morning. massage therapist called me. What a wonderful woman she is. Knowing I had worked a police shooting in 2005 on my own, knowing I had been through training in this county and firmly believing after all the years I spent stuffing things down...I would be melting down...she called to check on me. Wow!

The things she said helped. It is okay to mourn and be upset, it is okay to cry because I am sad for the trooper and his family, I know what the dispatchers are going through and feeling and for years I have opened the cabinet of my mind and stuffed things away in it....police shootings, suicides, family fights, SID's deaths, all of it went into the cabinet and I shut the door to it all.

You see, it is what police dispatchers do. They get on with their lives and are told how amazing we are, but sooner or later it takes its toll on our bodies and our minds. I usually don't watch the news it never is truly good anymore and I wasn't expecting to have it hit me in the face.

I took a nap that day and I walked on my treadmill that day. I DID NOT watch the news anymore that day.

So much stuff and sooner or later even the strongest have to say...I need help!

I am seeking that help, I am looking for a great counselor, I have recieved so many wonderful Emails from all of you that help me know what wonderful readers I have. I haven't quilted much lately, but I know I will and when I do I promise I will post a picture.

I may not be here daily or weekly. But I want you to know I will check on you, I will respond to all your notes and I am healing. It isn't a fast process though I wished it were. I am an overachiever or was?? I need to take this break, I need to find healing and more, I need to recognize in myself and others when enough is enough.

So, as I sit here this morning freezing due to the cold temps and snow and my fireplace isn't warming up as fast as I would like....if anyone see's or knows Ty from Extreme Home Make Over...give him my number, I have a house....well, at least I am smiling for now, in this moment of time!

Recognize when someone you know or yourself is falling into depression and try reaching out. The one thing that isn't good for us, is to be alone all the time with our thoughts....those can be really depressing: I am not good enough, I am too old, I don't contribute enough..on and on and on!

Blessings and take a friend to lunch today!


autumnesf said...

I get you. Today at the doctors (where I went for a simple new prescription of my thyroid meds) I busted out crying for no reason. And walked out with an appointment for mental health! LOL I actually had a migraine and was just trying to hold it together until I could get home and take the meds -- but the migraines are caused by stress as starting tomorrow all we have is hubs retirement check. Which WILL cover all of our bills....and leave us an astounding $26 for the month to buy food and gas. Nice. But hey, at least we can pay our bills unlike most people without a job, right???

Hope you feel better soon!

JustPam said...

What a wonderful massage therapist you have! I went through situational depression when I was dealing with pre-teen and teenage sons who were constantly getting into trouble. I ended up taking antidepressants that saw me through that difficult time. The down side was that it caused me to gain a great deal of weight. Now I think there may be more options. I don't know if counseling would have helped me, but I didn't have the time or money to pursue one.
I think you have to do what is right for you and am grateful that you recognize the need for help. Good luck in finding the right counselor for yourself.

Melinda Cornish said...

As someone with BAD ptsd it sounds like you have it will set off emotions and trigger bad things. I am glad you are walking and trying to get out. I am doing the same things. It is funny how we have these parallel lives. hang in there girl. We just have to learn to live life differently and accept that it is going to be different than what we are used to. my life is so far from my old far, worlds away. I can spend my days grieving and wishing it back and lose now, or I can pray for acceptance and try to live now. I hope this helps......