Monday, June 25, 2012


It tries its best to wake me each day, peeking through the sides of my room darkening blinds and my deep dark mauve sheers, it seeps under the bathroom door, through the crack of my bedroom door...gently trying to wake me.  It succeeds in having me reach across my bed to my husbands side, to feel the softness and warmth of his skin up against mine, but knowing with my still groggy mind, I will find only the warmth of an electric blanket left on for me.

I don't use my side of the blanket, but I always instinctively curl up on his pillow with my legs stretched out to where he was and I curl up with the covers over my head still groggy and drifting back to sleep, back to where I can sleep in until late in the morning like the children will on this summer day and yet, knowing soon, I will awake and my day will start.

An hour passes and I don't see the light enter our bedroom, I don't hear the door but I am slowly awakened by the fresh smell of my husbands freshly showered body as his Axe bodywash permeates the room, smelling so good as it wafts its way through the blankets I have over my head and into my nostrils.  Slowly, I pull the covers down and breathe in deeply.
My morning has begun.

It is almost comical as I sit here and think that my husbands Axe bodywash that I love so much that the grands love so much they will open the back door on a cold day to smell its scent as it slowly curls into the steam of the exhaust fan vent over the back door.  They giggle and laugh when he emerges saying, 'Papa, now all the neighbors know how good you smell.' He of course groans!  What is so funny?  The name of his bodywash is Phoenix. Having spent 22 years in Phoenix all I wanted to do was get out, runaway, come home to the 4 seasons and rain and yet, it is almost a reminder that while I can run, I can't hide!

I roll towards my husband and smile and say good morning.  He never skips a beat, 'Why, good morning baby, I didn't mean to wake you up,' he walks over and gives me 3 sweet kisses and finishes getting dressed for work.  By the time I climb out of bed and decide if I need my cane or walker this morning to move around due to the neuropathy in my feet and Fibromyalgia (it is a good morning, I need neither), he is sitting in his chair lacing up his line man boots.

He is my thermometer in life.  'You slept good last night, how do you feel?' He knows he may or may not get a response, I am NOT and have NEVER been a morning person and he knows this and accepts it.  If it is a good day, I may chat about my plans, but not today, I just smile, touch his hand and give him another 3 kisses and hug.  As he walks towards his coffee pot to fill his thermos for the day, I say; 'thank you for the fire, it feels really nice.' He smiles and says, 'I love you too.' and out the door he goes.

I turn the water on the kettle knowing I am NOT supposed to have coffee, but knowing today I AM going to have some, the cobwebs in my head from my new medication need removing and my brain needs to be kick started although I am not quite sure why as everyone else is still sleeping. The kettle whistles, I make my coffee, toss in another log in the fire and sit down at my computer to write this post.

Can we rewind this just a bit? Close your eyes and go back to before I totally got out of bed. I always say a prayer each morning thankful for a new day, asking for a servants heart that my eyes and mind be open, that I bless the kids, that I am so thankful for life.  I sometimes wonder if I just say it out of habit??  Can I improve on this prayer?  Do I need to improve on this prayer? Do prayers have to be complicated? 

 I quit asking to pick up my new book by Ann Voskamp entitled, 'A Dare to LIVE FULLY Right Where You Are, One Thousand Gifts.'  A book my wonderful apron swap partner sent to me.  Today, I began chapter 2 and right there was my day written in her book.  I started to cry, because I thought I was the only one that struggled like this and now I know I am NOT!

Why don't I like mornings? A million reasons I could give and they probably wouldn't make sense to you. But here are a few: Made beds (why make it when you are crawling back in it later to mess it up again)?  I will admit for the last 6 months I have been diligent in making my bed when I get out of it and yet I don't see the point.  Don't ask, I don't know, but guess you can really teach an old dog new tricks and I am a very old dog at 385 dog years old  if I count my human years by 7 and some days I feel every bit of those 385 years!

Oh yes, back to mornings...they are cold. Who really wants to get out of a nice warm bed and be cold? I worked nights for many years, you go to bed when it is cold and wake up when it is warm to NO alarm clock, at your bodies own rhythm and go to work when everyone else is sleeping...yes, I love nights!  Standing outside at the telecommunications center breathing in the orange blossoms, a shadow in the dark, listening to crickets and an occasional car pass by, peaceful and quiet.

There is too much chaos in the morning and rushing around, people are in a hurry to get to work, kids to school, they don't smile, they are rude, they pull into a handicap spot without a handicap plate, they are screaming at their child in the car and making them cry or the cashier at the store because she isn't in the same hurry they are. You see, I am NOT the only one that doesn't like mornings, I just openly admit it!

I also feel very much like Ann Voskamp in the book:** 'Always the failing (I never get everything done I need to), I yell at the children (not all the time, but it happens), fester with bitterness (why do I have to have Fibromyalgia, why weren't my dads first 4 children listed in his obituary, why can't I find a job, why is it I am such a good person and so much crap has happened in my life?) oh do I wear that one well! I forget doctor appointments, teacher conferences and why I went to the store. I try not to live selfishly, but I do and wow, I can't believe I just let you all know about it!  I too, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late (I don't sleep well), neglect cleaning the toilets?? I neglect cleaning at all on some days due to my pain levels.  I live tired, NO...I AM Tired, Exhausted...afraid (I never used to be), anxious, weary.' 

Add one more to her list that I live and she didn't mention and that is suspicion.  I simply do NOT trust anyone any more.  After 13 years of working in a police department, everyone falls under suspicion when I meet them, why do the new neighbors talk to my grandchildren, why does she want to meet us? What do they really want? What are they really up to? I HATE it.  The suspicion has robbed my joy and then when you watch the news, it really gets bad. Kind of like that old Elvis song, 'Suspicious Minds.'  Please Lord, make it go away and bring back my joy!  I used to laugh more, I was more relaxed. So, I cry at Ann's words, knowing I am NOT going crazy!

What is it I dislike about sleeping at night?  Night terrors. I have been plagued with them since I was a child. Recurring ones that have followed me when I was little have gone away but they have been replaced with ones that shake my body to the core sometimes.  They go away for awhile and then come back in clusters.  Caused by stress, worry, exhaustion, no one really knows. My husband instinctively reaches out and comforts me in his sleep after all these years.  Sometimes I go back to sleep, but many times I just lay there in the darkness trying to make sense out of nonsense. Back spasms that have plagued me since my back surgery are so severe at times it is easier to sit up and not deal with them.

I close the book, get my clothes on, turn on the kettle and it sings. Make myself a cup of coffee and look around to see what my day will be like.  My calendar is blank for today, so I sit down and write this post, the fireplace shuts off, there is a chill in the room, the sky is gray but I think the sun will appear today.  I have been more diligent lately in my house chores (I think the new meds help) so I will sweep the wood floor in the living room, and quilt for a bit until the children wake up.

We will go to the library. My hopes of playing in the park have been dashed by rain that is gently falling outside, I won't wake them early, I will let them sleep in. It is peaceful in the house right now, even KC our cat is sitting quietly on the piano watching the world wake up this morning. The hum of the small aquarium pump with my grandsons Sea Monkeys is the only music in the house right now.  It doesn't last long, shattered by my uncaring neighbors letting their dogs run lose and they are barking and yapping at anything and yet nothing! Yes, my shattered peace is just another alarm clock to get up and get busy!

Perhaps, maybe just for today, I can like mornings? Then I open my daily readings I am doing 'Jesus Calling,' Once again I am reminded God knows my heart as I quote:  ** 'Open your hands and your heart to receive this day as a precious gift from Me.'  Wow, I never looked at mornings as a gift but perhaps this is a new beginning for me, to truly accept each new day as the gift it is and in someway forget the past that has brought such pain to my heart.

I am now to the bottom of my cup of coffee. The sweet, thick caramelly (I know, not a word probably) flavor of my French Vanilla Cappucino lingers on my tongue and the scent in my nose, I want it to last a bit longer because when it is gone, there will be no second or third cup, there will be laundry to start, a menu to decide on and the rest of the day ahead.

Perhaps, at my age I can at least for awhile pretend to like mornings, who knows maybe after all these years it will be like making my bed, I will actually enjoy it when it is over and will find happiness not in what I can no longer do, but feel blessed in what I still can accomplish!

Have a blessed day.

**Quotes taken from Ann Voskamps book.6/25/2012. Voskamp, Ann. A Dare to LIVE FULLY Right Where You Are One Thousand Gifts. Zondervan publishing,Michigan, 2010.
**Quotes taken from Sarah Youngs book 6/25/2012. Young, Sarah. Jesus Calling Enjoying Peace in His Presence, 365 Day Devotional. Thomas Nelson Publishing, Tennessee. 2004.

**With the exception of where I used quotes from the above 2 authors, the rest of this post in mine and cannot be copied without my permission to do so which I will probably say yes, but please do not use this post as your own as it is not.**

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