Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What Do Some Parents Think?

I am going to go on a bit of a rant this morning, so be prepared!

The above picture is of my 4 grandchildren (my sons 4 children), as many of you know, we have custody of the 3 oldest through CPS and a court order.  

After the youngest was born, mom took off pretty quickly and took her with and while she has been molested and neglected under moms care, she continues to live with mom.

But, maybe that isn't the case, maybe her maternal grandmother has custody. We don't know because they are not and have never been totally honest with us when it comes to her nor does mom follow the court orders on keeping us informed on where she lives or telephone numbers.

The last time they were up here was in 2010 when mom and her sister whirled in and took them all to Hawaii for a week and we got to keep little one over night.

It was during this time we discovered mom had told her that her latest boyfriend was her daddy instead of telling her the truth, so while she was with us, we allowed her to take some pictures of her dad with her.

My youngest son has come out twice with his family and we have offered to pay little ones way each time but get shot down. This time mom and little one came out because I paid for the plane fare and it was to spend time with little one.

What was sad was that mom clung to that child constantly.  With the exception of when she was out bike riding with her brother and sister, she kept her in tight reigns.  

One morning she got cold in the tent and came in and I tucked her into bed where hubby had just gotten out of and we talked for awhile. She asked me why she couldn't live up here.  I told her I didn't know and she would have to talk to her mom.

Her dad called 4 times from prison while she was here, she talked to him once and refused the other times looking at her mom you could tell she was terrified she would get into trouble!

What do some parents think? Or do they?  Do they think these kids really believe that every boyfriend mom has is their dad?  Do they think these kids don't know they only have 1 true father?  Yes, their dad might be in prison but he does love them and care.

Dad has always sent letters and pictures and gifts through Angel Tree and they are ignored by mom and her side of the family. This little girl is being led to believe her dad doesn't care and that is so sad.

Why can't mom just be honest?  Why does she and her family have to lie not only to little one but to the 3 that live with me?

When confronted awhile back about little one's legal custody status grandma admonished the oldest one that she did NOT have custody of little one and that she should be ashamed for being upset with her mom.  

Well, guess what?  Mom told oldest one this week-end her mom does have custody of her and yet, we have no documentation of such.  My son doesn't even know the truth.

This week-end, I saw a mother who doesn't know how to mother, who can't nurture her own children, who repeatedly has children and she can't relate to them.  Two incidents stand out so clearly this week-end.

1- Middle child go really sick on Sunday night, she was crying and doubled over with horrible stomach pains, she said she was going to throw up and she told mom she didn't feel well.  I took her into the bathroom as is our habit, I laid out a pillow on the floor, her favorite blanket, a cool rag on her head, rubbed her back and soothed her.

The entire time we were in there and I was back and forth, mom never once asked how she was, if she wanted her to sit with her, she just laid on the floor watching television.  Hubby said it is because we have custody, so mom didn't feel she needed to soothe her own child.

2- Little one became very emotional over having to leave, she said she doesn't want to go back, she wanted to stay with us. She did this last time and this is hard on her, so you hug her and tell her she will be okay and to be very brave.

Mom just sat there and told her to stop.  No compassion at all.

3- The kids told me yesterday all she did was sit on facebook and text her boyfriend when they were all together, she didn't talk to them at all.  I told them I was sorry!

What else can I do? 

I am sorry my grandchildren are going through this, but it isn't just them, as a substitute teacher I saw this frequently...kids moving to be with moms latest boyfriend, changing schools so they could be closer to dads girlfriend.  Being introduced to the childs mom/dad as such and realizing this wasn't the same parent I was introduced to last time.

We want to help our children, we need to stop using them as some sort of pawn in a warped game of parent against parent. Kids do not understand!

Mostly, stop lying to them, stop confusing them, be honest with them!


Joan Ciolino said...

Oh, it breaks my heart to read things like this. I have no idea where people go in their heads to rationalize these things. All I can offer is a virtual (((HUG))) and prayers for a fast and happy resolution. Hang in there - you are a gift to those kids!

Sara said...

that is a really sweet picture of the kids at the top of the post. Big smiles! In spite of the adult issues forced on them it certainly looks as if they were happy being together.

I have 4 nephews who have dealt with very similar issues of custody, new girlfriends, no child support being paid, etc. They are all adults now, with the youngest 19. About all we could do - like you - is love them and make sure they know you are always there for them.

Melinda Cornish said...

been there, hate it.

Quiltingranny said...

They are really happy kids, they only become sad when mom doesn't live up to what they think she should! When she came to visit I think they felt she should at least talk to them! Not to mention they are extremely unhappy mom won't let their baby sister come to be with them!

Deb said...

It's a shame that they can't all be together and with you, they would be so much happier!