Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Depression is Hereditary

I believe in my heart and mind that depression is hereditary and while I am sure I can find pages to back me up on this or to refute this claim, as I look around my family, I see this is the case.

My mom wasn't officially diagnosed with depression, but I can remember growing up where she was in bed for days on end and then she would be great for years at a time. As a child, I accepted she wasn't feeling well and got on with my daily life.

As an adult, I have had 4 children, 3 have bi-polar disorder, 1 has Autism and while for the most part, I have been 'untouched,' by this disorder, it is very obvious over the last twelve years or so, something is going on.

My husband and I spent an amazing 2.5 days in a cabin in the mountains a few hours away that sits on a creek. It was the first time in 15 years we actually got away, alone time for us.

A week later, I saw the cabin listed for sale and I cried for two days.
I have no idea why I cried, but every time I thought about the cabin, I bawled. My husband mentioned it on night and I bawled.

We are not in the position to purchase this cabin, but trust me, my mind has ran enough scenarios to give to the bank to purchase it, but in reality, I know we cannot swing it.

Then, depression and resentment set in. Why we have all our things in storage, why do we give and give to our family members and have them turn on us? It hurts like hell and yet...we give until we have nothing. Why?

My grandson is angry with me because I refused to purchase him another pair of name brand shoes when I just purchased him a new pair a month ago for making the honor roll.

Now, when I pick him up from school, instead of talking to me, he puts headsets on and won't say a word unless I pull it out of him. I took him for his check up the other day and the doctor asked me a question which I answered honestly and he told me in front of the doctor, 'just stop talking, you irritate me and my dad and we both hate you.' 

I was stunned into hurt silence. I wanted to bolt out the door, down the hall, jump in my car and drive off leaving him to call his dad to pick him up. But, I just sat there, hurt and dumb founded!

His doctor looked at him and asked, 'do you mean that or do you just want to hurt her? This is your grandmother, she raised you, why are you saying this to her?'

Needless to say, he got no answers!

I want to move, I want to go far away from where we live and block them all out. But is that the way to do this?

My parents didn't give me things when I got married, they didn't live close, but they did to my brother and they didn't give him things, they didn't pay for their grandchildren's sports, bands, field trips. They didn't give him gas if he was short between pay days and they never helped my husband or I if we were in a pickle and we made it through life.

My husband and I raised these 3 great and wonderful grandkids, but maybe it is time we pull back and let their dad do his job and lay off some of the fast food so he can afford gas!

I see my new therapist in July, boy are we going to have a great first session!

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