You see, the devil doesn't just tap me on my shoulder with small aggravations, he sends in my husband to do the job which tears me up emotionally and then I have to recover. Change is never about the other person, it is always about us and we first have to recognize that and want to change for reasons deep within us, not for someone else or I know, it won't work. Well, I do want to change and am working very diligently on it.
Small changes I have told you about:
- Making my bed each day.
- Doing dishes after dinner each night.
- Dressing a bit nicer & wearing make-up.
- Getting into reading the bible and praying more.
- Putting on the entire armor of God every morning (and the kids I have done this for months).
- Keeping the house better ( I am NOT a bad housekeeper in any sense) on my days off & laundry caught up.
- Being a generally happier person.
- Praying for my husband daily.
- Avoiding my snippiness or working hard on that.
It was just a bad scene with hubby that got worse and started over a simple request to check my vehicle because I thought it was smelling funny. At first he was fine with it, and then it became clear something was wrong. I stood on the solid rock and the first blow (now, imagine 2 people in an arena tossing things at each other because my husband is not a physical person, I am using an analogy here between myself and the devil). that was thrown, I threw up my shield and it glanced right off it. Whoop, whoop, that is done, the object (words in this case), slid off me.
Just as I was gloating, the words came at me were now a personal attack about my lack of patience (I have been telling ya all, I am not the most patient person) and I could have taken the criticism but it was an uncalled for personal and mean comment & right away I turned to use my full suit of armor to protect myself. That was bad, because it hit me in the heart and took away my breath (the devil knows where you might have a soft spot in your armor).
By the time it was over, I was crying and just trying to walk out of the room, but Jerry wasn't going to allow that to happen. He then followed me and told me to get off the pity pot, stop feeling sorry for myself, buck up in my pain and stop complaining and all I wanted to do was SHUT HIM UP!!
Sound familiar to anyone? I have a good marriage, don't get me wrong, but the devil knows he can use Jerry as a tool against me when I am trying to change and it usually works! Notice, I said usually.
I sent an Email off to a close friend to vent & then when I went to bed, I prayed for Jerry but more, I prayed for myself. I asked God to protect my family, to give my husband happiness back, to show me if we aren't supposed to be here, where we are supposed to be and to provide for that change. I asked God to please help me in the areas where I am short of patience, to continue to work with me on my changes and show me where I need to change and to help me get past the devils arrows.
Last night, hubby was in a great mood but initially when he sat down for dinner he was agitated but I chose to ignore his comment. Today, the sky looks like it is going to be blue and maybe the sun is going to come out. I am praying for the sun to come out and bless my husbands day.
I can't change Jerry's attitude, but I can continue to work on mine and yesterday while praying on the way between jobs, God told me I need to continue to work on my own changes. Then he gave me a student that was so defiant within 3 minutes of being in the classroom I had to have the principal remove them.
Perhaps that is why Jerry was softer last evening because I told him my day had been chaotic, 2 schools, 3 different classrooms is exhausting and then toss in a child who hates you because you are a substitute, it makes you appreciate life a bit more when you get home!
As I continue to work on my attitude I want to leave each of you with this verse from Psalm 6:6,8 'Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity, for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.' Continue to pray, to stand on Gods word, to surround yourself with beauty and peaceful things when you need them, when you need time out, be selfish and take it, put on Gods armor because I promise while it may allow an arrow or two to get in, the more you wear it, the more it will strengthen you.
I love my husband dearly, my family, my friends, my church, but the devil knows that and he knows what you love because these are the areas of our weakness and where he can turn us from lap dog to guard dog & he enjoys pulling us along on strings. It is when we are so strong that we can actually grab the scissors and start snipping off those strings, that the devil gets worried and throws his best at us.
Perhaps that is why our spouses can get to us so easily. Because they are the best that God has given us and while God expects us to lean more heavily on Him, to rejoice in Him, to go to Him, sometimes, we put our spouse in that spot and we place to much burden and expectations on them when we shouldn't.
God is working on my heart and soul & He blessing my life and opening my eyes daily. I would love to hear from all of you, a story, your favorite scripture, an anecdote, a prayer or prayer request. I can't do this on my own, but with Gods help, I know He will send me only the very best to walk beside me.
Attitude, it is all about me and how I can change myself!