I keep wondering lately where my life is heading. I oft times thing maybe I got my wires crossed when so many years ago I believed the Lord was telling my family to move to Aberdeen, Washington in spite of the fact that I can still see Gods hands in everything and how it all fell into place so easily.
Am I defeating myself or letting the devil get his foot in the door? I am doing my best not to, but sometimes things creep into our lives and open us up for doubt and I think in my mind that is what defeat is....doubt! We allow ourselves to doubt what is going on and so it begins, the chip in our armor here, a ding there, a dent, a crease and pretty soon, we are overwhelmed with doubt and the defeat begins.
I feel defeated or full of doubt when I ask for something to be done around my home that I cannot do and it is ignored or met with excuses or anger. Why? What have I done to cause this reaction? There it is, that defeat and doubt again. Why does it have to me that has caused the reaction? Do you see how it gets started?
How many of you have a Honey Do list? I have a rather lengthy one, but it is divided into parts:
- Things that have a timeline of between today and 6 months.
- Things that cost money and will have to wait awhile longer, but is a priority around the house.
- Things that cost no money and can be done over a matter of days, weeks but need to be chipped away at in 15-30 minute increments.
I used to be able to do so much prior to my surgeries and now, I feel physically useless and defeated. In the past, I could hire someone to do small jobs if hubby was out of town or couldn't get to these, but now I can't and they are building up and placing a wall between us.
Things like tape on our windows since we painted (we painted in 2008). A broken deck railing (broken since 2008). An unfinished front and side door frame (since 2007). I can't get out my back door because hubby purchased cabinets and was going to organize his work space. All he did was create a bigger mess!
These are the things that chip at my armor and place a wedge between us. He knows these things need to be done, he simply chooses NOT to do them. I cannot do them on my own or pay to have them done...chip, ding, crack!
It isn't the fact that these things need completing, I have a great friend I can call and I know if I asked him to come and help me, he would be here in a New York minute, but why should I have to ask someone else to do what hubby needs to do to our home?
What bothers me, is two-fold. The first is that I seriously CANNOT do these things anymore on my own and that means I am placed on someone elses schedule and their time frame and I dislike this immensely.
The other thing is simply asking to have something done or being told something will be done and being met with anger and hostility over this.
It is so NOT worth the heartbreak to me and when it isn't worth it anymore, I feel defeated, because to me it isn't the chore that is being ignored, it is my feelings and my request. How many of us feel that way at least sometimes in our life?
God doesn't want us to feel discouraged or defeated, God wants us to trust in Him and place our cares in His hand and He wants it all, even my discouragement about a messy driveway. Psalms 42:11 tells us:
'Why are your cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquited within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.'
Hope in God! Right now, I am in a season of my life I never expected to find myself, but I am not alone, God is with me, there are others in this same seaon who got blindsided with the economy and I can reach out to these as others have reached out to me.
Stand tall, do what we can and remember, we may be down, but as long as we trust in God, we are not and will not be defeated!