Warning! This is not a warm and fuzzy post today. Matter of fact, it is quite a Faithless post, because after over three years of struggling, I have let go of the knot in the rope and am falling into the abyss.
My husband was down in the dumps the other day and I hugged him and told him no matter what, never give up because if he had no faith left, I had enough for both of us. Riding on the crest I guess you would call it, believing that God really does love us and would not forsake us after all that is what the Bible tells us.
This morning as every morning I opened my Joyce Meyer book and she states we have not because we ask not. Day after day, night after night, during the day, I pray, I reach out to others giving them hope, praying with them and while my husband struggles to make ends meet, I keep telling him hang in there, I will find work soon.
Joyce also states, 'In order for Him to give us what we need, we must be humble enough to quit trying and start trusting. We must be willing to stop doing and start asking!' I have been doing that, I have been trusting and yesterday I got a devastating blow....which makes me wonder, where is God and why is this happening?
I put in for a job in February and as of a few weeks ago I was the #1 candidate for that job, they wanted to hire me all I needed to do was pass a few more tests and I would be in. I didn't say anything as everytime I do, I miss the opportunity, so I kept quiet.
The opportunity has had us stretching our budget for gas money to drive a four hour round trip each time I was called, but each time I was, I had hope. Yesterday, the hope was snatched away. It was as if I stepped out on slick ice and fell and couldn't stop myself.
I had a hearing test last Thursday and I was shocked by the news. My hearing is that of a 20 year old the man told me with the exception I have some hearing loss in high frequencies in my right ear. Huh?? Not me, I hear everything, I hear things most people don't and it shocks people about my hearing. Don't worry he said, it has nothing to do with the job you are applying for, you can still hear the phones.
This news bothered me all week. Tuesday, I was driving down a local road and saw a sign that said, 'free hearing test.' I walked in. I told the lady I had a test and what it found. She asked me if I had any ear infections? No, just sinus pressure. My ears were clear, she checked them. She ran a more extensive test.
It showed normal hearing loss on the high end in my right ear with tonal, but the other test showed I hear quite well and my left ear would make up for it, and it has nothing to do with voices or hearing voices, but tones. They wouldn't even be able to sell me a hearing aid, because the loss is so minimal they couldn't correct it at this time.
Yesterday I received an Email that the job I was #1 in position for, the job I performed for over 12 years in Arizona would not be mine as it was reported that my hearing loss would not allow me to move forward.
I am having the tests faxed over to me today from the doctors office and testing scores. I have contacted the HR department and asked them if I can get a second opinion, but it doesn't sound likely.
Here is what upsets me. I was told one thing last week and they told the agency I applied for a complete opposite. If my hearing loss is so profound as they say, why didn't the man recommend me seeing the ENT specialist as he is part of a huge ENT office? Why is it the hearing place I tested at, tell me it is minimal?
Over the years I have gone through some personal devastation and always been able to see Gods hand in this...my moms cancer, my two back to back surgeries, broken bones, etc.. I have always given God the glory and been the one to see that God has something better prepared for us down the road.
I no longer see that. I have cried a bucket of tears since last night. I have asked God what I have done wrong to anger Him so much, I have thought about backing out of helping with vacation Bible school next week as I feel right now, I have lost my faith and hope and I can't pass on something to others I don't have.
God is good, I know that. But right now, I don't know anything and I am not sure what my family is going to do. We will go on, but I am seriously thinking it might be awhile before I can honestly trust that God hasn't forsaken me!
Please, I know all the cliches and sayings, right now, to see my husband in despair it doesn't mean anything! Right now more than anything I want to believe.
If nothing else, one word that describes me is tenacious. I will be doing all I can today to get my test results and see what exactly is going on. I have scheduled an appointment to see my medical doctor, I am waiting to see if the company will allow me to pay for a second test or allows for reasonable accomodations and I am preparing if I don't get the job to head down to social security and apply for disability.
If I can't hear, I cannot be a dispatcher and my livliehood is gone. This was my hope to get out of debt, to pay my school loans, to be able to lift the rocks off my husbands shoulders and now, all God is showing my hubby who is a non-believer is He takes and takes and never gives back.
I am not Job, I realize I haven't been through near what Job has and I want to keep the faith and hope, how do you not go on without it? I am just not sure what to think, feel or believe anymore, but I do know that hope is gone right now & it is a cold cold place to be!