Friday, July 22, 2011

Kicked When We Are Down...

Warning! This is not a warm and fuzzy post today. Matter of fact, it is quite a Faithless post, because after over three years of struggling, I have let go of the knot in the rope and am falling into the abyss.

My husband was down in the dumps the other day and I hugged him and told him no matter what, never give up because if he had no faith left, I had enough for both of us. Riding on the crest I guess you would call it, believing that God really does love us and would not forsake us after all that is what the Bible tells us.

This morning as every morning I opened my Joyce Meyer book and she states we have not because we ask not. Day after day, night after night, during the day, I pray, I reach out to others giving them hope, praying with them and while my husband struggles to make ends meet, I keep telling him hang in there, I will find work soon.

Joyce also states, 'In order for Him to give us what we need, we must be humble enough to quit trying and start trusting. We must be willing to stop doing and start asking!' I have been doing that, I have been trusting and yesterday I got a devastating blow....which makes me wonder, where is God and why is this happening?

I put in for a job in February and as of a few weeks ago I was the #1 candidate for that job, they wanted to hire me all I needed to do was pass a few more tests and I would be in. I didn't say anything as everytime I do, I miss the opportunity, so I kept quiet.

The opportunity has had us stretching our budget for gas money to drive a four hour round trip each time I was called, but each time I was, I had hope. Yesterday, the hope was snatched away. It was as if I stepped out on slick ice and fell and couldn't stop myself.

I had a hearing test last Thursday and I was shocked by the news. My hearing is that of a 20 year old the man told me with the exception I have some hearing loss in high frequencies in my right ear. Huh?? Not me, I hear everything, I hear things most people don't and it shocks people about my hearing. Don't worry he said, it has nothing to do with the job you are applying for, you can still hear the phones.

This news bothered me all week. Tuesday, I was driving down a local road and saw a sign that said, 'free hearing test.' I walked in. I told the lady I had a test and what it found. She asked me if I had any ear infections? No, just sinus pressure. My ears were clear, she checked them. She ran a more extensive test.

It showed normal hearing loss on the high end in my right ear with tonal, but the other test showed I hear quite well and my left ear would make up for it, and it has nothing to do with voices or hearing voices, but tones. They wouldn't even be able to sell me a hearing aid, because the loss is so minimal they couldn't correct it at this time.

Yesterday I received an Email that the job I was #1 in position for, the job I performed for over 12 years in Arizona would not be mine as it was reported that my hearing loss would not allow me to move forward.

I am having the tests faxed over to me today from the doctors office and testing scores. I have contacted the HR department and asked them if I can get a second opinion, but it doesn't sound likely.

Here is what upsets me. I was told one thing last week and they told the agency I applied for a complete opposite. If my hearing loss is so profound as they say, why didn't the man recommend me seeing the ENT specialist as he is part of a huge ENT office? Why is it the hearing place I tested at, tell me it is minimal?

Over the years I have gone through some personal devastation and always been able to see Gods hand in moms cancer, my two back to back surgeries, broken bones, etc.. I have always given God the glory and been the one to see that God has something better prepared for us down the road.

I no longer see that. I have cried a bucket of tears since last night. I have asked God what I have done wrong to anger Him so much, I have thought about backing out of helping with vacation Bible school next week as I feel right now, I have lost my faith and hope and I can't pass on something to others I don't have.

God is good, I know that. But right now, I don't know anything and I am not sure what my family is going to do. We will go on, but I am seriously thinking it might be awhile before I can honestly trust that God hasn't forsaken me!

Please, I know all the cliches and sayings, right now, to see my husband in despair it doesn't mean anything! Right now more than anything I want to believe.

If nothing else, one word that describes me is tenacious. I will be doing all I can today to get my test results and see what exactly is going on. I have scheduled an appointment to see my medical doctor, I am waiting to see if the company will allow me to pay for a second test or allows for reasonable accomodations and I am preparing if I don't get the job to head down to social security and apply for disability.

If I can't hear, I cannot be a dispatcher and my livliehood is gone. This was my hope to get out of debt, to pay my school loans, to be able to lift the rocks off my husbands shoulders and now, all God is showing my hubby who is a non-believer is He takes and takes and never gives back.

I am not Job, I realize I haven't been through near what Job has and I want to keep the faith and hope, how do you not go on without it? I am just not sure what to think, feel or believe anymore, but I do know that hope is gone right now & it is a cold cold place to be!


robin said...

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I was just reminded of a quote by Corrie Ten Boom, "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." And the verse, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Mark 9:24

I hope brighter days are ahead for you. God makes no mistakes. I'm praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it is not you who needs to hear the message. This sounds like the tester & company need to hear the message . Also this may be the easiest way to get disability, which will also help you & your family. God does work, just sometimes sideways. Please just wait and see.

Quiltingranny said...

Thank you both for helping me to see God does have plans and this may not be for me but it will be for the best!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear that you did not get the job. I know it is a hard to hear, but God does work in mysterious ways. He hears you but he has something better in store for you and your family. My prayers are with you that better and brighter days are just a step away. You are blessed to have a wonderful husband to take care of you. Mine has not worked in over 5 years and at almost 68 years of age I am 100 % responsible for supporting our household. I thank God every day that I have a job and am healthy enough to keep working when I should be retired. Life will get better - I know he has something wonderful in store for me and he does for you also. Peace and love,
Suzi Stone

Vicki said...

Several years ago I felt very much as you do now. Several family memebers had health issues, including myself (colon cancer), several family memebers past away, job loss, money issues ... etc...

Just to get out of the house and not dwell on what my family was going through, I was attending a morning Bible class with some friends. At the point where I felt that God had abandoned my family is when the lesson spoke to me the most. It was on Job and the point was brought up that Satan attacks those that he knows will do the most in leading people to Christ through their witness.

Think about it ... Why would Satan bother with someone who will not make a difference in the cause of Christ.

I know you are pressing on... even though you are tired and don't see what lies ahead. I felt the same. My solution ... I told Satan how foolish he was ... that after all he had put me through...could he not see that I would no longer attend the pity party that he was hosting for me and that my heart would always be God's.

That does not mean that everything is perfect, but keeping that as a goal (not letting Satan get control) has helped me to wait on God. I know His timing is not mine and I know what He has for me is so much better than what I would choose for myself.

I'm praying for you and your family. {hugs}

Quiltingranny said...

Thanks Vicki and God is using my husband, pastor and friends to remind me to hang in there.

Kim-A Creative Spirit said...

Thanks for coming by A Creative Spirit. I HATE posting anonymous but I have to on blogs that don't use this pop up. Google drives me nuts at times

Kristin Bridgman said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through! My only advice is to stay in the Word, not those other books. And God will Never forsake you, although I know sometimes it feels this way. That is what the enemy wants you to think. You tell him to hit the road, he is not welcome in your thoughts! And while you are down, although I know you keep praying, your friends will keep you up in prayer too.
You will be in my prayers! I haven't seen you in awhile, please keep in touch!

Pokey said...

Aw, Jean, you only see this job as the only answer. God sees the whole picture, He IS in control, He has a plan. Remember the encouragement you sent my way a while back? It's the same back to you, girlfriend. It can seem so sad, but there is God's way, and it is higher than our own.

"Hold on, my child,
Joy comes in the morning.
Weeping only lasts for the night.
Hold on, my child,
Joy comes in the morning,
And the darkest hour means dawn is just in sight."

hugs and prayers, pokey

Quiltingranny said...

I am doing my best to hold on Pokey and no, the weeping has lasted a bit longer than through the night...I am trying to believe there is something better and appreciate all the prayers to help me get over the rough spot!

Scrappy quilter said...

In our message today we heard this "although the mountains are big, God is bigger". Thinking of you. Hugs

Scrappy quilter said...

In our message today we heard this "although the mountains are big, God is bigger". Thinking of you. Hugs

Scrappy quilter said...

In our message today we heard this "although the mountains are big, God is bigger". Thinking of you. Hugs