Monday, October 28, 2013

OUCH! Getting Spanked Hurts More As I Get Older

Now, I am not talking about the physical spankings like I received as a child when I made my parents upset because I broke the rules, I am talking about the type of spankings that only God can give you and trust me they sting more than any physical punishment I ever recieved!

I am in a Sunday small group from our church entitled, Gods at War and I have enjoyed the group, the contents of the study and the discussions and up until last evening, I was skating along on smooth ice.

You see, the study asks you which Gods do you place in front of God our Lord?  Is it the God of pleasure, love, money, power or you yourself?

Well, I can tell you, I spend daily time with my Lord in reading the Bible, studying the Bible, praying and when I quilt, every quilt is prayed over from beginning to finish.

Oh, but what about power?  Nope, that isn't me either and then, God said last night in our meeting. 'Really? Are you sure about this? Because, I beg to differ.'

'No Lord, this isn't me, I am pretty sure about that, after all, didn't you say in your word in Proverbs 16:18, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall?" Yeah, pretty sure I am not arrogant or proud.'

Now, if any of you have been in my situation, you know that God doesn't argue, He just quietly shows you where you err and I realized so many things.

First, we watched a clip on Chuck Colson and He spoke about how his life was always about being the first or a leader from the first in his family to attend college and an elite one at that, to becoming a LT in the USMC to President Nixon's right hand man and then, the fall.

Prior to going to prison, he accepted the Lord, pled guilty and said for the first time in years was actually free and that going to prison or the path that led him there, freed him!  Well, I knew I wasn't on that path.

Then the questions came. Do you talk the most during a conversation and feel the need to interrupt of talk over people? 'Ouch! What stung me?' I used to do this all the time as a 911 operator, I had to in order to get the information out quickly, but today, I have no reason to be this way, but I still do it.  

Are you defensive?  Do you have to defend youself when someone is pointing out your wrongs and turn the tables or change the subject? 'Owie!' I felt I had just been jabbed in the head!  

When did this start? I know my husband gets frustrated trying to talk to me when he is upset about something I did wrong and I raise my voice, find something to pick on him about.  Then again, since I was young, I have done this. 'Am I protecting myself from childhood hurts?'

Do you criticize others for what they are doing, how they are living, etc.? Pride comes before a fall and at that moment during those questions, I realized, how prideful I am and how arrogant and self centered and when I left and got in my van, I cried!

I have always been the strong one in my family, born and lived in New York and carried that 'New York Attitude,' in your face honesty and if family had problems they needed solved, I was like the fictional Guido, to the rescue!

It dawned on me at that meeting last night, I had fallen!  I was a great dispatcher and then in 2011 when I was hired with a stipulation regarding my hearing, I realized in training, that four years out of it, I could no longer keep up. My computer skills were awful, I couldn't remember their codes or how they coded calls, but I knew in time I would catch up to speed!

The one thing I have always prided myself on was my hearing. I could hear a pin drop in a Metallica concert my family would teasingly say. But in 2011, it was discovered my hearing in one ear was shot!

I lost my hearing, I lost my edge and I lost my job and still, I didn't recognize I had fallen. My Fibromyalgia worsened, I could no longer go up and down the stairs in our home and still, I didn't recognize, I had fallen. One back surgery would be enough for someone, but I had 2 back to back within a month of each other and yet, I knew I had stumbled, but I didn't fall.

So many things I can talk about here that should have opened my eyes, but didn't. Until last night, when I realized I had fallen and I needed to humble myself before the Lord and ask His forgiveness.

I needed to be right where I am now, at home, raising 3 beautiful grandchildren, supporting an amazing husband who works hard and I need to be happy where I have landed after falling.

My pride was in my career, working 12-16 hour days, working 6 and sometimes 7 days a week, doing more overtime than anyone else, taking more graduate level classes than anyone else, keeping my house cleaner than anyone else, what drove me was my past and pride.

I am humbled in a way a physical spanking could never have humbled me and I have opened my eyes to how I have behaved and others see me. Wow! 

I am grateful for a forgiving God and I hope I from now on keep myself in check!


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